I’ve been trying to find ways to reinvent myself. I’m not happy with who I am. The decisions I’ve made recently, whether it’s choosing to eat junk food instead of easily being able to eat healthy or choosing my path of life. I think this is why I keep on wanting to change my appearance. My appearance has such a huge influence on how I feel. If I look good I feel good. If I look good I feel confident. Looking good is subjective. I feel like I’m living in a constant state of guilt. I’m constantly letting my family down by not having my life together and I know no one knows what they’re doing but I just can’t help feeling responsible for everything. I need to act now because I cant delay things any longer. This is my life, I’m living it and I want to live it well.
But most of all I want to be involved in something where I’m able to help people. Whether it’s just my local council or some activist group or just whatever I don’t know. I don’t know how to get started or how to do it.
Another thing is that I feel restricted. Restricted because I want to live my life and make my own decisions and do what I want to do and be who I want to be but I can’t. People’s opinions affect me so much, especially my mothers. Her voice is always in my head, I feel anxious and I’m not able to make decisions because either way I feel like there will be consequences. I know I’m an adult and I can (I suppose) do what I want but her approval matters to me too much. I don’t know why. I think maybe because growing up she was abit emotionally abusive and I felt like I couldn’t do anything to make her proud of me. I just want her to be proud of me. To look at me and think that’s my daughter and I’m so glad I’ve sacrificed everything for her. What she wants of me sometimes goes against what I want for myself which is what makes it so difficult. I’ve always been not girly enough or not thin enough or just not good enough. The culture I grew up in I know affects this aswell. Things that are taboo or I’m not allowed to do because of what other people think have also been a cultural thing. I see other girls, my age on Instagram, Youtube or whatever social media expressing themselves, their sexuality or lack of, their hobbies, their everything and I can’t do that.
i just want to be free from my own mind.