I love him. I know he would do anything for me and I’d do anything for him. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him and to experience the big and small things in life. My favourite thing is seeing his smile when I make him laugh. He means the world to me. My life might feel shit right now but I would never have met him if I wasn’t in this position. I don’t know if I believe in fate but the chances of us meeting we’re so slim. He tells me he loves me everyday. I hope he never stops. Everything I experience in life is better by his side. He’s my best friend. He does so much for me. I can’t wait to build a life with him. I love him.

This got deep real fast

I’ve been trying to find ways to reinvent myself. I’m not happy with who I am. The decisions I’ve made recently, whether it’s choosing to eat junk food instead of easily being able to eat healthy or choosing my path of life. I think this is why I keep on wanting to change my appearance. My appearance has such a huge influence on how I feel. If I look good I feel good. If I look good I feel confident. Looking good is subjective. I feel like I’m living in a constant state of guilt. I’m constantly letting my family down by not having my life together and I know no one knows what they’re doing but I just can’t help feeling responsible for everything. I need to act now because I cant delay things any longer. This is my life, I’m living it and I want to live it well.

But most of all I want to be involved in something where I’m able to help people. Whether it’s just my local council or some activist group or just whatever I don’t know. I don’t know how to get started or how to do it.

Another thing is that I feel restricted. Restricted because I want to live my life and make my own decisions and do what I want to do and be who I want to be but I can’t. People’s opinions affect me so much, especially my mothers. Her voice is always in my head, I feel anxious and I’m not able to make decisions because either way I feel like there will be consequences. I know I’m an adult and I can (I suppose) do what I want but her approval matters to me too much. I don’t know why. I think maybe because growing up she was abit emotionally abusive and I felt like I couldn’t do anything to make her proud of me. I just want her to be proud of me. To look at me and think that’s my daughter and I’m so glad I’ve sacrificed everything for her. What she wants of me sometimes goes against what I want for myself which is what makes it so difficult. I’ve always been not girly enough or not thin enough or just not good enough. The culture I grew up in I know affects this aswell. Things that are taboo or I’m not allowed to do because of what other people think have also been a cultural thing. I see other girls, my age on Instagram, Youtube or whatever social media expressing themselves, their sexuality or lack of, their hobbies, their everything and I can’t do that.

i just want to be free from my own mind.

Collection of thoughts

It seems impossible nowadays for someone to do something nice for you just because they want to. And not expect anything back.

I don’t understand selfishness, I’ve always felt happier when I’ve shared things with other people. Especially things I enjoy, I want them to have a piece of my happiness aswell.

Is it just me that thinks about worlds big questions everyday. Why are people like this, or like that or how did it come about. Why is the world is such a state. What could we have done or could do to make it better.

I always knew I would hate working but now that I’ve got a job I really despise it. I hope I stay in education for long enough that once I’m out I can get a job that I enjoy and earn mega bucks.

What do rich people do with all their money.

Diversity is so important. I feel very lonely in this city sometimes, everyone is just so english and it makes me feel impossible to relate to anyone on a deep emotional level. I don’t know if that makes sense.

I’ve never understood racism either. What makes a person look at a another with a different skin tone and call them a paki for instance. Ignorance, stupidity, lack of education, social norms, conformity, the fact thats its an easy insult to go to.

I want to make a change by doing something. I want to get involved and spread awareness and educate people but I have no idea how to. I hate feeling that the only thing I can do is sit behind a computer and type some shitty 3am thoughts. I don’t want to be a keyboard warrior. All type no face.

Does he love me or does he think he loves me.

I think he thinks he loves me. I’m just someone that cares for him, gives him attention and affection. He’s mistaken me filling a lonely hole with love. Maybe he’s just with me so he doesn’t feel sad, feels less alone. Maybe that’s what love is.

Do I even love him or am I just with him so I’m less lonely. All I know is that I have so much affection for him. When I see him I want to care for him. Let him know he’s special. But he annoys me sometimes. There are so many thoughts in my mind. So many possibilities. It makes me sad. I will never know what’s actually going on. Mainly because no one actually know what’s going on.

Maybe that’s why I’m studying psychology.

I hope it’s more than just filling in for loneliness but who knows. He won’t even know what it is. He thinks he loves me but he probably doesn’t. I’m pretty sure it takes more than a couple of months to fall in love.

I’m tired and I think too much. I feel sick.

(I hope he doesn’t see this. If you do, hi. Hope you’re okay.)

-J

Not being white

Not being white. It’s hard. When you walk into a room the first thing you see about people is how they look. Their exterior. Obviously we rely on this to try and create a sense of who that person is because we have no other information to go on. Whether they look scruffy or neat. Fashionable or plain. When you’re not white, you can’t just look decent and expect to be treated like a white person looking decent. It’s hard to put into words what I mean. Basically if you’re not white you have to try even more to look decent so people think you’re not scruffy or dirty or lazy. You try and look more European and western to try and fit in. It sucks because people don’t realise that having traits like curly hair or darker skin doesn’t make you messy or dirty. It make you unique. It’s hard to put into words what I’m saying.