There’s no point in doing something just to please someone. I’ve spent my time and gone out my way hundreds of times to try and do something I think someone will apreciate. Stand up for them because they’re my friend even though I doubt fully agree with then, stopped what I was doing and gone over to help them. Or whatever. But in the end they always fuck you over. No matter how nice you try to be that’s it. You get fucked over. I don’t know what it’s like every where else, whether this is a cultural thing or a human thing but it sucks. It really is true. I need to keep repeating it to myself. Don’t set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm.
I wish I was happy with myself. Being an adult is so hard. I want a holiday from it. I’m going home to see my family tomorrow for a couple of days. Never been happier to escape all this sadness.
It dawns on me sometimes that I seem to have no friends at uni.
Sure there are people on my course that I say hi to, supposedly living with them next year. There are the people I live with now. The people I work with. People on the societies I’ve joined. I’m surrounded by people but somehow I feel extremely lonely. I don’t related to any of them. We don’t hang out a lot and we’re not close at all. There’s no one in this small city that I seem to connect with. Everyone has different interests to me, everyone’s just so out of reach. Everyone seems to have friends, best friends, which apparently means I can’t begin to form a friendship with them.
There’s a poetry event this week. Maybe I’ll make friends with people there.
Even if I talk to people I doubt I’ll go out with them regularly or whatever. I never realised how much of an impact friends has on your life. I’m sad. I want to have a best friend. I want to be happy.
Watching super bowl at the SU at 1:45am.
I suppose it’s technically day 5 but since I’ve not gone to sleep yet let’s call it day 4.
It scares me how much I’m in love with this man. I hate feeling like this, knowing he could make or break me. Boys are stupid. Boys are dumb. But maybe I’ve found the best one out of a bad bunch and with some love and care he could be something beautiful. But he already is beautiful to me.
I thought at first I couldn’t be in love because I didn’t feel as sweaty and as nervous like I usually would around boys I like. But I’ve come to realise it’s because I care about him deeply, he’s like family to me. So comfortable and happy around him.
But he snores.
Losing track of my days as I write the majority of these at midnight, the cusp between each day.
It’s amazing how much getting up and going out changes your perspective on the world. I presume this is why travelling makes people more insightful, as they go around different cultures and interact with different people, they learn things they could have never have thought of. I never want to get out of bed. I usually spend my days there thinking of how people are achieving their goals and are doing things that make their life worthwhile. All of that seem a universe away to me, as if for some reason getting up and going out is the most difficult thing to do. I tend to over complicate things in my mind and maybe that’s partly the reason why I’m like this. But when you do it, it’s simple. You get up, put some clothes on and step out the door. Soon enough you start to realise that your hopes and dreams aren’t as far away as they seemed and really they’re not a universe away but just down the road. Maybe the steepest road you’ve ever been in but it’s reachable. Yet I hate it when people say with a little bit of hard work you can do anything. I know it’s true but it’s annoying, like yeah I’m trying. Unlike the past few days I’ve had an up day and hopefully it’ll be like that for a while.
The first man I’ve ever loved. You’re like the warm summer glow on my skin. You fill me with joy and make me happy. I don’t know how to express in words what you mean to me. How I came about you is ridiculous and involves too many coincidences. Your eyes are something special. They radiate a certain kindness and affection that I’ve never seen before. It makes me sad that you don’t see yourself like I do. You’re beautiful in every way and shape possible and I mean it. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted and I take you for granted. You and your endless array of plaid shirts. You and you’re stupid balding hair. Whatever you look like I will love you. It scared me how nsync we are. We’re gonna have endless amount of pounds in that jar. You make me question whether such thing as fate exists. You seem too good to be true. You’re weird as fuck and that’s awesome because you’re just like me. When you laugh, I’m pretty sure flowers bloom or a baby is born. I’m very thankful that you’re in my life. We’re not too bad are we.
I cant wait to have a dog with you.